Being a Coach’s Wife

Being a coach for a sports team – a really good coach – takes time and energy. We all know this. Beyond the obvious, successful coaches also have a few other things going for them: strong leadership skills, ability to delegate, a talent for teaching and, in my opinion, the most important thing; support at home.

Being a coach’s wife is not an easy task. Granted, it helps that I understand the game of basketball having played 100 years ago, but the concept of the game and being a former student athlete never prepared me for what it was going to be like being married to a head coach. People and athletes don’t truly think about the time it takes to be a coach. Really and truly think about that commitment. Sure, they know about practice nights and game days. Tournament weekends and some of the things behind the scenes. There might be texts and emails helping a player through a difficult situation and you know there will always be sleepless nights after a tough loss, but do people and players really know??  Do they ACTUALLY think about the spouse and kids this coach leaves behind night after night and season after season?

“I won’t lie there were really tough years. Over the course of a season and at several stages of Calley and Sydney’s lives Brian could always count on 3-4 meltdowns from me but I always picked myself up.”

I have been Brian Jonker’s wife for 20 years. We have two daughters, Calley, 18 and Sydney, 14. They have only known their dad as a coach. They have napped in the bleachers and thought that eating dinner in their car seats was something every kid did. Packing jammies and blankets for late night rides home after dad’s game was simply part of their childhood. All of that might have appeared to be inconsistent and irregular for little ones but it was the norm for them. It has not always been easy but we made it work. Here are a few things I have learned along the way:

• It takes loads of patience.
• It requires an ability to adapt.
• It tests you in ways you didn’t think were possible.
• It teaches you about independence and puts your personal strengths and weaknesses into play almost daily.

And all of this over the course of just ONE basketball season. Throw in teething babies, whining toddlers, dinner time, bath time and weekends he’s away. It’s fair to ask how marriages can survive ONE season much less years and years of them.

People wonder how Brian and I do it. More specifically, how I do it. My answer is always the same. I have never NOT known him as a coach. This is the way it’s always been. I knew it entering the marriage and knew it when we decided to have a family. His coaching was going to be part of our relationship and part of raising our girls. His commitment to coaching was there from the beginning. There was going to be time spent at a gym or with his team and that meant there was going to be time spent away from home. Yes, THAT part was always a struggle. But, coaching made him who he was. I won’t lie there were really tough years. Over the course of a season and at several stages of Calley and Sydney’s lives Brian could always count on 3-4 meltdowns from me but I always picked myself up. It was pointless to complain about his schedule. I just learned to deal with it and NOT hold any pity parties for myself the minute he walked out the door. I was left to man the operations at home and on occasion it felt as though I was a single parent. That feeling would inevitably bring on resentment, guilt and/or a certain bitterness tossed in Brian’s general direction. All in all I truly believe that MY ability to settle in to this routine and MY independence has made our marriage and relationship stronger. I also honestly believe it’s made me a better person and even better mother.

“It’s difficult for me to hold any grudges when I stand there watching him from the bleachers with such pride. His passion for the game and utter excitement reach every one of his players.”

I remember a conversation he wanted to have when he was offered the head coaching position at Mohawk College. This came after years of coaching at the high school level and achieving many accomplishments there. The difference was, at this stage Calley was 6 years old and running about and I was bouncing Sydney on my hip. I am sure for him approaching me about taking this job was like approaching a mama bear and her cubs. I felt as though I had already put in my time. It was a long night filled with heavy conversation but the right decision was made. In taking the position I watched him turn a struggling college program into a national champion and more importantly help “players” become students who went on to graduate. I see the way they listen to him, react to him and simply WANT to play for him. It’s difficult for me to hold any grudges when I stand there watching him from the bleachers with such pride. His passion for the game and utter excitement reach every one of his players. He creates a family atmosphere that his players never want to leave and it’s always so fun to be a part of. In my opinion that has made all the sacrifices over the years 100% worth it.

Related Article: ‘Being a Coach’s Daughter’

As Cal and Syd have gotten older, my being left with the tasks at home became easier and easier. The meltdowns were less frequent and have all together disappeared. The girls and I enjoy getting to know the players and at the beginning of every season we like to host a team dinner at our house. The guys have become more like family and even better, we’ve become friends. There are personal connections for both myself and the girls that were never there in the past. We are invested and genuinely excited for a season to start. Where I used to count the days until the season ended, I now almost hate to see it come to a close. Truth be told, the end of a season means the coach is home more and that in itself can be an adjustment for all of us!! Of course, there are always new challenges (our teenage daughters having activities of their own) but all in all, season after season, I find we hit a stride and seem to roll with it.  We now look forward to piling into the car and making those long trips so that we can share in game winning shots, moments of glory and national championships. All of us. Together.

As it turns out I am not just the coach’s wife – I am also a fan.

Being A Coach’s Daughter

Whether you play sports or not, you have a coach in your life. Your coach can be a parent, grandparent, sibling, best friend, stranger or maybe even your dog who wants you to succeed in life. The coach in my life is humble, gracious and hard-working; the best qualities to have in a coach. The coach in my life is my Dad, Brian Jonker. My name is Calley Jonker, I am a coach’s daughter (among other things).

Dad’s life for the last 19 years has been centered on coaching basketball in Brantford and Hamilton, Ontario. That’s longer than I’ve been alive! His dedication is outstanding; he spends his day at work then drives off to Hamilton (35 minutes) for practices or a game at least four days a week. It’s the best of both worlds for him.

From Assumption College High School coach to Mohawk College and a national championship, his track record is quite impressive. What makes him an amazing coach is not the amount of victories he leads his players to but the relationships he develops with them.

Dad is best known for his coaching on the basketball court but his work on the baseball diamond should not go unnoticed. I am not the basketball player my little sister Sydney has grown up to be. I took an interest in softball. When I played House League in Brantford he coached my team for three seasons. This was my very first introduction to Dad, the coach.

I was 11 years old when he and my Mom coached the team and I thought it was the coolest experience ever. Both parents played in their youth and had a lot to offer me right away. My pitching improved as the years went on, I was hitting line drives that zoomed past fielders to the green and had a few home runs under my belt. My confidence was at an all-time high. Accomplishments like these don’t come naturally.

My mattress / umpire.

Both Sydney and I had extra work to do on nights we didn’t have ball; extra pitching in the garage, hitting off tees at the park and the classic front yard game of playing catch with the family. By the way, pitching in the garage involved pitching into an old mattress with a spray-painted target that gave us an idea of what the batter’s box would look like. Pretty creative idea, right?

For the past seven years Dad has coached me on the diamond as he would on the court; with heart and hustle (or is it hustle and heart?). Either way, he has made great contributions to my house league and rep teams, pushing each and every one of us to do our best and excel in the sport we’ve all grown to love. On top of his hard-working attitude, he teaches us to have fun along the way; after all, that is the number one rule in any sport.

“Dad’s coaching in my everyday life reminds me of why I have so much admiration and respect for him; he lives by his own rules every day, inspiring me to do the same with my own life.”

I’d like to get serious for a minute.

As a teenager trying to solve life’s problems, I occasionally bounce ideas off Dad. He can be a great sounding board even though his advice can annoy me (queue teenagers everywhere nodding their heads).

He will say the same three sayings to me in any given problem I find myself in. The number one rule, above anything else… DON’T PANIC. Unless you’re at the disco, am I right? No? Okay, I’ll show myself out now.

The second saying is to treat others the way you want to be treated. I know this is technically the golden rule, but this comes second for Dad.

His third most important rule to live by is to be safe, be responsible, and above all, be in charge of your own person.

As annoying as it can be to recite these quotes over and over to drill them into my head for all eternity, these three rules are great to live by. In any situation you never want to panic, otherwise you are just digging the hole you fell into much deeper than it needs to be. Treating people with the same amount of respect you want gives both of you an equal amount of appreciation for each other. Being in charge of your own person makes you more conscious of any stupid decisions you are about to make. Dad’s coaching in my everyday life reminds me of why I have so much admiration and respect for him; he lives by his own rules every day, inspiring me to do the same with my own life.

“I’ve become invested in a game I never thought would pique my interest and that’s all because of the amazing people Dad has taken under his wing.”

That concludes our life chat. Let’s talk about some individuals who deserve recognition for their amazing abilities to grab hold of the opportunities they have gained from Dad. Actually, let’s talk about three people who I believe will strive to do great things like my Dad. I have witnessed many basketball players over the years. Some were kind and ginormous boys who saw Dad as their biggest hero, while some were witty little girls who saw Dad as the Papa Bear of the family he has created. As I’ve grown older, I’ve become invested in a game I never thought would pique my interest and that’s all because of the amazing people Dad has taken under his wing.

Sydney and I.

The three individuals I want to give recognition are incredible players and people who will become fantastic leaders one day. The first player is someone whom has only been on the team for a year but plays as though he’s been here for four years. He’s one of the most talented players I have ever seen; not to mention cool, calm and collected in high and low moments of a game. Who knows, maybe he will take Kobe Bryant’s position on the LA Lakers. This player’s name is Kareem Collins, or the infamous KK. This is someone you must keep an eye out for this season, guaranteed.

Player number two (or should I say #23) is someone who recently finished his playing career, and similar to Kobe, played his last game to the best of his ability. Next to his 3-pointers and slam dunks, Jeff Hunt is the definition of good sportsmanship and he’s also funny, kind and humble. There really is nothing he can’t do.

Related Article: ‘Being a Coach’s Wife’

Finally, I had to save the best for last… my very own sister, Sydney. Syd is a basketball and softball enthusiast – she holds basketball nearest to her heart. I know that one day she will be Athlete of the Year on her High School team and become a basketball superstar like KK and Jeff. Even though I don’t get to watch her as much as I’d like, it makes me feel proud to hear her recaps of every basket, foul shot or three-pointer. She gets better every day and strives to become the best player she can be.

As the coach’s favorite daughter (obviously), I have been part of Dad’s hectic schedule for as long as I can remember. Despite having little contact with him throughout the season, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I know he is doing something he loves so much, he’s coaching the game he has so much passion for and is an influential figure to dozens of young people every season. I support everything he does for his and Sydney’s team because no matter what he is the Coach of a Lifetime in my heart.